In the last two posts I described growing up on 70-acre piece of land that my parents converted from barren hills surrounded by swamps into complex farm fields, and a vibrant lake. I said it sounds idyllic, and in many ways it was. The gifts I received from my parents in the first eighteen years of my life are the foundation of a sense of fulfillment and happiness that I know is very great.
But life on the farm was a mixed blessing.
The very gifts with which our family grew up created, I think, a kind of exceptionalism in each of us. We were the place where our classmates came to swim and ice skate and picnic. We were a preeminent family in our parish. Once a week, the Maryknoll brothers studying in the novitiate in Akron came to swim, work on the farm, picnic, or sled down the snowy-laden hills with us. My father was a leading lawyer in the city, and his best friend, Father Basil, who was a professor of history at a university in Cleveland, spent every Saturday afternoon and shared evening dinner with us, where we inevitably listened to high-level discussions of current ethical, philosophical, or theological questions. At school, if any of us of whatever age said “Father Basil says…”, the nuns inevitably acquiesced. We always had the upper hand on that one.
These experiences and so many like them gave us a sense of confidence and identity. But it also gave us a false sense that we were right. Like our big house on the hill, we stood above others. Yes, we had responsibilities and obligations, which profoundly shaped the decisions we made about our lives and futures.
But we weren’t always as right as we thought we were. And our Right Answer assumptions often led us to presenting our views with an unappealing self-righteous arrogance. And interestingly, a lack of creativity. We had the right answers. We didn’t have to search for solutions.
It also left us with somewhat limited social skills. We didn’t really know how even our school friends lived. They spent more time in our house than we did in theirs. Even today, many of us agree that we find it extremely difficult to make small talk. Yes, we can enter into in-depth discussions about the meaning of life, death, the existence of God, abortion, the poor, racism, and politics. But we are a deadly serious lot. Most of us have had to learn from our life’s partners that very few people are quite as eager to endure our endless debates as we are.
Life on the farm also left us, especially the girls, unusually naive. That wasn’t only a result of the protective isolation of living on the farm (which perhaps by now I should begin calling an “estate,” rather than a farm). It was in part due to the times and the Catholic religious culture we lived in. We learned to be supportive and to some extent even subservient to men, but we did not learn how and when we had the right to say No. Consequently, as adolescents and young adults we got ourselves into sexual encounters that we misread. We felt betrayed and angry at unspoken promises we felt had been made, and which, from a more mature perspective, obviously had not been offered.
Unfortunately, our idyllic life on the farm came to a crashing end with the death of my mother of cancer at the age of 48. Eight months earlier I had entered the convent, and my mother, who knew she had only weeks to live, made it clear to me that I had a calling from God, and that I was not to come back home to care for my eight younger brothers and sisters, the youngest of whom was 7. My mother also, I am sure, agreed with my father that he would marry the women we all called “Aunt Mary.” She had been married to my mother’s brother who had also been my father’s law partner until his death 5 years earlier. She and my father married four months after my mother’s death.
That’s when everything changed. My father directed that everyone still living at home should address her as “mother,” but she was not a mother they recognized or felt loved by. We always refer to the time after my mother died as “The Second Regime.”
As children we were never told we were growing up on a Dorothy Day farm. After Dad died and we discovered their correspondence, it had little value to us and the letters were destroyed. Because neither the joys of the first Regime with Mom, or the pain and the anguish of the Second Regime are due principally to the fact that we were living on a farm. They are due far more to the love and generosity, to the limits and tragedies, of those individuals living there.
As Communism has demonstrated most recently, utopia does not exist independently in the system. Right now, we see today in countries throughout the world, including the United States and Britain, no system in itself operates independently of the people who are living within it. As Thomas Jefferson said, freedom is something we must work constantly to protect. The same is true of love. The system can’t do it for us.