I’ve been pondering the fact that the number of posts I have been writing in recent months are getting fewer and fewer.
Why, I wonder.
It’s not that I don’t have anything to blog about. I find it impossible to read about what is going on in the world and not find myself mentally blogging. It might be about economics, climate change, war, religion, even the possibilities of humans managing to wipe ourselves off the face of the earth. Or it might be more light-hearted things – like Dolly Parton being the most popular act at the Glastonbury music festival last week.
So why aren’t I writing more? it’s something I have been doing since I was ten years old. What’s happening?
I don’t know. I am finding myself driven out doors to be more physically active than I can ever remember. Since I tire more easily, I often sit here in front of my computer screen too exhausted to string three coherent sentences together. But I don’t know why I’m choosing to work outside rather than write more.
One of the things that is fascinating me is how hard it is to plan reasonably about how to get old. When we’re young, barring the unexpected, we have some idea of how our capacities will develop over the years. We have some idea ahead of time what it’s going to be like to be 20 or 30, or even 60. But the energy and health levels get more and more unpredictable as we move into our 70’s and beyond. Will we be able to handle this garden in ten years? even in five years? will I reach a point when I can’t handle my own bank accounts, or do my own tax returns? What about cleaning? and cooking? in fifteen years? twenty?
I’m beginning to understand how life overtakes people in their old age. I have no desire to move into a care home at this point. But when or if I need to, will I be too old to engineer it?
I’m not afraid of dying, although I can’t say I’m looking forward to leaving this fascinating place we call life on earth. I’m just not 100% sure how not to let my last precious years drizzle away in an unfocused haze.
Getting old is a different kind of challenge than I thought it was going to be.