I have – most uncharacteristically – been watching every episode of the tv series “In Treatment.” Among other things, the (very good-looking) therapist finds himself in love with one of his patients who reciprocates his feelings, and at the same time, furious beyond words to discover that his wife has just had an affair. He says he is acquainted with couples who have overcome the difficulty brought about by a partner’s affair, but he himself cannot imagine where the capacity might come from in himself.
I find it an interesting dilemma – although personally academic at this stage in my life. I was twice madly attracted to someone else after I was married. I did not act on it, primarily because I knew it would break my husband’s heart. But I also reached the conclusion that a monogamous marriage was qualitatively different from one in which there were other sexual partners involved. And that there was a price to be paid to make a partnership that was mutually fulfilling, and not merely one that met all the paper demands of a marriage that appears to work but doesn’t.
But there were several occasions when I felt I could not be the kind of wife my husband wanted. And then I would gladly have supported his having an affair with someone who could. I knew he never would, but I felt it would not have destroyed our relationship. I’m not so sure now I was right about that, since in the event, it was a possibility that was never tested.
But I am among those who can understand marriages that survive “infidelity.”
I wonder what it is that makes the difference?
I think in your own case you said it…”I knew he never would”. For some it’s just a trust and if broken can never be the same again.
Hey how did we miss our year anniversary of celebrating Obama’s election. I do have found memories of chatting across the miles of our hope and joy for our future.
Comment by djc1 — November 14, 2009 @ 3:34 am |
Oh you are right! I didn’t think to celebrate Obama’s one year anniversary. Let’s plan to celebrate the second at least. I’m not surprised it has been so hard for Obama to get his programs operational, but that doesn’t make the long hard slog any quicker or easier, does it? Right now I’m still hoping for a lot of things, but most immediately, I guess I’m hoping he finds a way to get us out of Afghanistan. I know whatever he decides will be high risk, and he is not the kind of person to rush in where fools have already tread. But I’m convinced we can’t win. I wish he would make a compact with Pakistan about safeguarding their nuclear arsenal in the event they are threatened with takeover by the Taliban, and then just find a way to get out of there.
It’s great hearing from you. Not only do I remember celebrating Obama’s win but our mutual anguish about the credit crunch. On that we may not be totally out of the woods yet, but at least we have pulled back from the brink. I hope your fortunes, too, are good ones.
Comment by theotheri — November 14, 2009 @ 4:00 pm |