To my considerable surprise, yesterday’s post in which I presented my current thoughts on clerical celibacy got twice as many hits as any other post in this blog ever got on a single day. To tell the truth, I had no idea it was such a hot topic.
I myself have been thinking about the guidelines for sexual relationships in the modern world, and what I would suggest to any one still young enough for it to be relevant. At the age of 68, it is no longer a question of burning personal urgency for me, but as I listen to young people today, I’m not sure that many of them have any clearer guidelines than I did once I abandoned the simple Catholic rubic of “No sex except with one’s marital partner and then only after marriage.”
Even enlightened parental guidance so often seems to include little more than “use an effective contraceptive until you are ready to have a baby. “ Nor does “if I want to have sex with someone, why not?”, strike me as sufficient.
So what would I say in the completely unlikely event that I were asked? I would say -
- Only have sex with someone you want to have sex with. Don’t have sex to avoid disapproval, to be one of the crowd, to be able to say you’ve done it, or in the hopes of pleasing someone so they will want to go out with you again. In the end, all those reasons are a terrible turn off. Sex won’t be much fun, and it is not a very good foundation for a relationship.
- It is almost impossible to believe when one is in the throes of mad, wild, passionate sexual attraction, but the passion doesn’t last unabated. An enduring relationship has to have more than passion. Look for kindness, respect, consideration. Look for someone who enjoys talking as well as listening to you. Look for someone whose most important values you agree with. Look for someone who treats others the way you yourself want to be treated.
- For heavens sake, use an effective contraceptive until you are ready to be a parent. Don’t get pregant or get someone else pregant out of carelessness. Abortions are psychologically more difficult for many people than they expect them to be, and they often seem to cause subsequent babies to be born prematurely. So abortion is not, in my opinion, anything like the preferred option as an effective birth control method.
- I am a great believer in marriage, and research shows that people who are married stay together longer on average than people who are just living together. I am, however, also a great believer in living together before getting married. It’s a lot easier to get out of relationship that isn’t working if you’re not married.
- Children without fathers are not necessarily doomed. However, I think to deliberately deprive a child of a loving father is like depriving them of two legs. I think if you want to have children, under most circumstances the most loving thing to do is to have them in the context of a stable, mature, and loving relationship which will provide children with two parents.
- I don’t think extra-marital sex is always a betrayal, or always has a negative effect on one’s primary relationship. But it seems to me that it is a contradiction in terms to be a feminist, to believe in women’s equality, and at the same time to think that their husbands are fair game. So I don’t think, under most circumstances, it’s all right to sleep with somebody else’s spouse. Vice versa, for men.
- I would also say that I have found that monogamy has a lot of unexpected benefits. Neither I or my husband have ever experimented with the alternative, and the occasions when I have thought about doing so have in retrospect been an indication of problems with my primary relationship which I needed to face.
- I know that an extra-marital affair does not always destroy a relationship, but it has implications for that relationship, whether one’s partner knows about it, merely suspects it, or does not know or care. I would suggest thinking about it seriously beforehand. Under rare circumstances it can even help support the marital bond. But I suspect those occasions are the exception.
- From all my personal experience, from friends I’ve talked to, and from all the research I have read, I have reached the conclusion that sex is probably the most diverse of human activities. What gives pleasure, and what one needs or wants from ones partner varies immensely. Some people are strongly monogamous, others not, some strongly heterosexual, some homosexual, some want sex very frequently, some just want affection. It takes time to find out what one’s own personal preferences are, and discovering those of someone else even more. Give yourself space to find out your own needs.
- Falling passionately, madly, totally in love with someone can happen in an hour. I know. I have been married for more than 35 years to a man I fell in love with at first sight. But madly, passionately, totally only sometimes is forever, and even when it is, it’s takes a lot of work. It’s why I believe in living together before getting married.
- The last thing I would say, I think, is about unrequited or unfulfilled love. It feels like the most terrible loss in the world to fall totally in love with someone and nonetheless to walk away from the relationship, whether it’s real or only potential. I know. I’ve been there too. But as I look back, I know that in some circumstances, walking away is the most unselfish, courageous, and creative things one might ever do. One might do it for love of ones spouse or for ones children, or out of respect for others involved. But don’t see it only as a negative thing: its cost is great but it may be the only way you can avoid being responsible for an immense amount of devastation and suffering. And ultimately, out of the great black hole of loss, something new can be born. The black hole of loss is always there, but it can be a mysterious source of strength.
Okay, I’ve got that out of my system. For what it’s worth, which I suspect isn’t much.
